Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Actor John Schneider Selling Short in Agoura Hills

SELLER: John Schneider
LOCATION: Agoura Hills, CA
PRICE:$2,199,000
SIZE: 6,890 square feet 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back when Your Mama was knee high to a grasshopper we spent many summers on the family homestead in Nowheresville, CA with our rough, tough and long gone Granny Rayna. Come sundown, there was supper and then an hour or two in front of the boob-toob. Our Granny, an educated woman originally from Bumfuck, Arkansas, watched only three things on her big ol' console tee-vee. The local news, The Lawrence Welk Show and The Dukes of Hazzard, a little ditty about a couple of hotsy-totsy hillbilly ne'er do well cuzzins named Bo an Luke Duke who race around the Georgia backwoods in a muscle car painted up like the damn Confederate flag. Lowerd. Pleeze. A show like that just seems preposterous nowadays, don't it?

One of the Duke cuzzins was a brunette. That would be actor Tom Wopat. The other was a beau-hunky blond perfectly played by beau-hunky actor/stunt man/director/writer/editor/cinematographer/producer John Schneider who, we learned from our informant Juanita Wordspiller, recently heaved his estate in ex-urban and semi-rural Agoura Hills, CA on the market with an asking price of $2,199,000.

Until perusing his resume on the Internet Movie Data Base, Your Mama would have been hard pressed to name a single television program in which Mister Schneider appeared besides The Dukes of Hazzard and a recent multi-episode arc on Desperate Housewives. Turns out and despite a few dips into professional obscurity, Mister Schneider has been a bizzy Tinseltown beaver since his Dukes of Hazzard days. His long list of ack-ting credits include innumerable tee-vee movies and regular longer-term gigs on programs that include Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Diagnosis Murder, Touched By an Angel, Nip/Tuck and 90210. For the last 10 years he's shook his money maker on Smallville, a program we've never bothered to view that we understand to be based on the Superman story. Mister Schneider's career seems to be on a continued upswing with at least half a dozen projects already in the hopper with specious titles like Snow Beast, Super Shark and October Baby.

Lesser known or maybe not known by many of the children is that Mister Schneider parlayed his popularity as Bo Duke into a successful if not spectacular country music career with at least 10 albums to date and in 1998 he became a born-again (Christian) while living with country music near-deities Johnny and June Carter Cash. We're not entirely sure how that came about but it's kind of intriguing, ain't it?

Anyhoo, moving on to the matter at hand. Property records show Mister Schneider scooped up his faux half-timber Tudor manor house in the rolling hills of Agoura Hills in November of 1999 for $1,250,000.

A short sale means a property is offered or sold for less than the amount the homeowner owes and, according to listing information provided by our dear Juanita, Mister Schneider's property is being marketed as a short sale that's subject to lender approval. That real estate morsel indicates that like so many other folks in the good ol' U.S. of A. during the go-go real estate years in the early naughts, Mister Schneider and his missus Elvira used their Agoura Hills home as an ATM machine and their pocketbooks are now suffering the consequences.

Listing information indicates the Schneiders' spread in Agoura Hills sprawls across 2.67 acres and includes a main house that measures 6,890 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. A guest house provides another sleeping chamber and terliting facility and a detached office includes a reception area and another half pooper.

Electronic gates open to a paver-stone drive that curves up to the front of the English-y mansion where an unfortunately unsubstantial decks extends from the front façade to create a rather anemic-looking porte-cochere. Inside, the public rooms exude a distinct southern bordello style with miles of custom carved woodwork throughout, a curving staircase à la The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, a formal dining room with a pair of glittery crystal chandeliers and yard after yard after yard of gold and crimson velvet brocade upholstery in the double-height formal living room.

The less formal family quarters include a room with parquet floors that listing information calls and "English pub and game room" that includes a billiards table and a full-scale built-in bar with glass fronted cabinets full of booze. In the family/media room we find blood red walls, dark blue patterned wall-to-wall carpeting, a giant poster of Mister Schneider's face and a suite of sofas and ottomans upholstered in the very same crimson and gold velvet brocade fabric used in the formal living room.

The half dozen bedrooms include two full master suites, one of which has a fireplace with carved wood mantelpiece, a ceiling fan, wall-to-wall carpeting that runs from the bedroom right on into the bathroom and a gold-ish coverlet laid over a bed laden with far too many decorative pillows. To each his or her own to be sure, but iffin anyone were to ask Your Mama–and nobody did–we'd hiss and piss about how the bedroom day-core is aggressively banal, beyond horrendous and, let's be honest puppies, runs up on horrific.

A driveway winds from the front gate past the house and through the mostly flat grounds to an electronically controlled gate. The property offers garage space for up to five General Lees and additional parking for 8 or 10 more pee-cup trucks SUVS. A terrace that runs along the backside of the house steps down to a large lawn and infinity-edged black-bottomed swimming pool and spa. A poolside cabana with vaulted ceiling and fireplace is also equipped with a fully-equipped kitchen with built-in barbecue. A seasonal stream trickles across the undeveloped back end of the property where the next owner might easily construct equestrian facilities.

Property records reveal that in addition to the family home in Agoura Hills Mister and Missus Schneider's property portfolio includes (but may not be limited to) a townhouse-style condo in Westlake Village, CA, a very modest house in the suburban Nashville, TN community of Madison and several properties in and around Apple Valley, CA.

listing photos: Coldwell Banker Westlake Village

18 comments:

Housey said...

That house looks like something right out of The Dukes of Hazzard. I half expected to see Daisy in the driveway, washing the General Lee in her tiny shorts.

Anonymous said...

A show like that just seems preposterous nowadays, don't it?

Are you forgetting the Glenn Beck "show"? It's around nowadays.

Anonymous said...

What - no NASCAR viewing room?

canyongirl said...

Nice scoop on the Jennifer Aniston house. Congrats.

Anonymous said...

Some of those rooms look a bit right out of the Bunny Ranch.

lil' gay boy said...

There a very good reason why they call it "Mock" Tudor...

A most peculiar house in a most peculiar neighborhood; with no bridge over the creek out back, the adjacent side street resembles one of the many jumps Mister Schneider took ol' General Lee on...

And please don't tell me that's a spotlit poster of himself hanging in that devil-red room; certainly not in keeping with the rest of the end-of-dayz-core so popular with certain Christian sects.

Bad enough the living room resembles a Las Vegas wedding chapel (bordello out back), was it really necessary to hang that creepy family portrait in the dining room, with the whole clan decked out in mourning, their eyes following you around the room...

Reminds me of one of my favorite bumper stickers:

"I'm not born again; I got it right the first time."

Anonymous said...

Why is a rich celebrity who has worked constantly able to do a short sale? isn't there some financial qualification. F*CK! Fire the butler becuase I don't want to pay for this BS thru higher taxes!

Anonymous said...

I looked at a house he was trying to sell in Studio City back in the early 80's. He had taken a beautiful 3 bedroom and turned it into a ONE bedroom western-style bachelor horror.
Only time he had an ounce of taste-has was married to Tawny Little and living in a Century City condo that she took charge of decorating.

luke220 said...

Sounds like he's doing ok financially. Why should we have to pay for the Land Rover?

StPaulSnowman said...

LGB............are you certain that the "creepy family portrait" isn't, in fact, a group of dogs playing poker?

Southgate said...

I knew I recognized this house, and its because the same plan was built in every wannabe upscale neighborhood back where I grew up.

And looky here, the plans are still available:
http://www.eplans.com/tudor_house-plans/HWEPL00441.hwx

Madam Pince said...

LGB summed up my feelings on the framed poster and religious nonsense. A tip of the hat, my friend.

lil' gay boy said...

Oh, Snowman, I like dogs...

luke220 said...

Wow, you are good, Southgate. It appears from the pics that the Schneiders are using the living room as the formal dining room and the dining room and library have been combined to be the formal living room. They have also added a fireplace in the master bedroom.

Carla In California said...

In spite of everything, you still get a LOT of house for the money. No way would you get over 6,000 sq ft of house and acreage for less than $2.2 million.

This house is a bargain....

lil' gay boy said...

Right back at ya, Madam; Luke, you beat me to it. I was noticing all the differences in the floor plan (Southgate, you give good porn) before I realized just how hard it was to tease out the program.

Dining/Library into Living, Living into Dining, Garage/Back Porch into "English Pub" (bye, bye, wet bar, hello, theme park ––– booooo), and I'll be good goddamned if I can make out most of the second floor, but I'll try:

It seems the staircase has been turned around (and curved), the open space above the entry hall must be a landing with doors opening onto the frail balcony-cum-porte-cochere; aerial photos reveal front & back dormers that could be the two bedrooms to the left of the stair that share the main upstairs bath, although there's an awning/overhang between them where the bath is on the plans, indicating windows (this whole wing departs from the floor plan); no chimney at the other end where the master is so that must be a gas/faux fireplace; the adjoining master bath/lounge/bed & lav combo all seem to have been reconfigured.

Other than the general massing, it takes a really good eye to pick this particular version out of the generic pile. It's nothing if not flexible. Slap on some half-timbering and voilà! Instant "manse".

Yes, Carla, it is a lot of house for the money; not knowing the pros & cons of Agoura Hills, on paper it's not too bad (once the exorcism & sage burning are complete), but it's going to take a lot of do-re-mi to de-Dukes it.

Anonymous said...

John Schneider has had financial problems recently, including a $28,000 delinquent tax bill owed to California http://apps.detnews.com/apps/blogs/taxingdetroitblog/index.php?blogid=304

Anonymous said...

Sitting here in my very humble renovate-while-in-residence Northeast surrounds, the current outdoor temp. is negative 4 and indoor is 40 above (yes, 40, crummy heating system). The snow is three feet deep and the icebergs could sink an oncoming tandem tractor trailer. Even so, I STILL don't covet any of these properties. The price of cheese by the pound, even when discounted, has gone right off the wheel.